Hobos, Inc.
A five scene play using five different dramatic frameworks.
Characters:
BRIAN- A 20-something man with deadlocks. He calls himself a Freegan and has been living “off the grid” for six months.
JUDY- A 40-something, heavy set woman who wears layers of torn and baggy clothes and begs on the street.
MILLIE- A 30-something prostitute.
SECURITY GUARD- A middle aged man who works security at Walmart.
STEAM TRAIN MAURY- The famous hobo who was crowned Hobo King and later Grand Patriarch of the National Hobo Convention in Britt, Iowa. He is an older man with a thick, white beard and a ragged looking suit.
COYOTE: The Trickster God of Native American myth. Appears as an upright-walking animal.
SISSY HANKSHAW- Character from Tom Robbins’ Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, known for her enormous thumbs which she used to hitchhike the United States.
JACK LONDON- Naturalist author who rode the rails for some time.
SCENE ONE-REALISM
(A green dumpster set against a brick wall. Leaning against dumpster are a pile of wooden pallets. The brick wall shows faded and washed off graffiti, one is a red anarchist sign; another is a black tag of a dumpster with a diving board above it. Another graffiti depicts a pink hand gasping a carrot. It is night. To the right of the dumpster is a lit streetlamp; underneath it is a hooker, MILLIE. She is scantily dressed, smoking a cigarette, and looking toward the stage wings for a john. JUDY is bent over the dumpster lid, riffling its contents.
(Enter BRIAN wearing flannel and jeans, his dreadlocks bound up in a ponytail. He’s wearing gloves and a headlamp. He waves at MILLIE but walks past her to the dumpster.)
BRIAN
Waste not.
(BRIAN turns on his headlamp and illuminates the area that JUDY is searching.)
Here this should help.
JUDY
You’re a lifesaver Brian.
BENJAMIN
What do we have for dinner tonight?
(As JUDY talks she hands the items to BRIAN who places them on the stage floor outside the dumpster. MILLIE turns to watch.)
JUDY
Just from the top layer it looks like melons, French bread, cabbage, corn…here’s a busted box of poptarts, some dented cans of soup. Would you look at this? A box full of those Starbucks cappa-frappa-chino thingies? And only one’s broken so they threw the whole damn thing out.
MILLIE
I’m not surprised. If it’s not perfect or the best, then chuck it.
BRIAN
Heaven forbid they wash the other bottles off.
MILLIE
Indeed. But I wouldn’t dive in there, it’s disgusting and filthy.
JUDY
Well, it’s a good thing we’re washable eh?
(MILLIE laughs and turns back to looking for customers. BRIAN holds a melon; he takes a pocket knife out of his back pocket, cuts a slice from the melon, and gives it to JUDY.)
BRIAN
You see these melons? Just a little overripe, this one’s got a small blemish, so they chuck it. Know why? They don’t want to sell it at a smaller price. They don’t want people to buy it and pay less instead of buying the pricier, newer, melons.
MILLIE
People want the best.
BRIAN
Why? Look at this, a bag full of day-old bagels and doughnuts! All perfectly edible, and it could be feeding a lot of people
JUDY
It is! Us!
(JUDY dives back into the dumpster looking for more food.)
BRIAN
(laughing)
Of course, of course. But most of it’s going to the landfill. Consumers are too concerned with the look of the food, and companies like this are too concerned with profits and covering their asses. So rather than sell older or uglier food they dump it. And rather than give it to those who need it, like Judy, they dump it.
JUDY
(joking)
‘Cus I’d sue ‘em if they gave me an overripe melon that had a mold spot. Yes, sir, they’d be so sued.
BRIAN
Oh, Judy, we’re having a small Food-Not-Bombs-esque dinner party tomorrow night. You should come. There’ll be free food.
JUDY
That the one Maury’s throwing?
(BRIAN nods)
Already been invited. Who do you think he asked to get the booze.
(JUDY points to herself)
BRIAN
Milllie, you coming?
MILLIE
Can’t. I’ve got to work. Besides, I don’t think that’s really my crowd.
(A flashlight’s beam appears from stage left, Enter SECURITY GUARD)
SECURITY GUARD
(angry)
Hey! Get out of there!
JUDY
Ah, shit. Scram!
(BRIAN and JUDY back away from the dumpster and quickly try to grab the food on the ground. MILLIE runs offstage and escapes.)
SECURITY GUARD
Hold it right there.
(He points a gun towards BRIAN and MILLIE who have frozen over the pile of food.)
You’re trespassing on private property. What are you doing?
(BRIAN and MILLIE straighten, hands in the air)
BRIAN
What are you doing here? We’re just minimizing this fine establishment’s contributions to the landfill.
SECURITY GUARD
So trespassing and theft.
JUDY
Since when did they let supermarket guards carry guns?
SECURITY GUARD
It’s a crowd-dispersal gun, but trust me, you still don’t want to be shot with it.
BRIAN
Technically there is no common law that guarantees privacy for discarded materials. This doesn’t count as theft, and it was all going to be thrown out anyway.
SECURITY GUARD
The store still owns it and is liable for health and cleanliness. You’re stealing from the trash rather than paying for their goods.
BRIAN
No, I’m practicing civil disobedience and protesting the waste of this perfectly fine food which your store refuses to sell.
SECURITY GUARD
Protesting? Uh huh. Get a job, you bums.
BRIAN
You have no idea, do you? Nearly half of our food is thrown away. Farmers are paid to destroy part of their harvests. Food is shipped cross-country to a warehouse to be mass-packaged then shipped cross-country again to stores like this. All the while it rots and people starve. I’m not paying for that! Have you ever even looked in these dumpster to see what they’re throwing away? Anything with torn wrappers or dented boxes, anything near expiration, blemished, under ripe, or overripe. Would you rather fill up a landfill than give us something for free?
SECURITY GUARD
What if everyone did this instead of buying groceries? How would that affect the economy?
BRIAN
It’s a means to an end to raise awareness.
SECURITY GUARD
You’re taking food away from people that really need it, like her.
(SECURITY GUARD points at JUDY)
JUDY
Have you looked in there? I’m not wanting for food, that is, I wouldn’t be if people weren’t pointing guns at me.
(SECURITY GUARD looks lost for words)
He’s not going to fire that Brian. Let’s go.
(JUDY and BRIAN collect the food on the ground and exit.)
SECURITY GUARD
(calling after them)
I’m going to put a lock on this!
CURTAIN
SCENE TWO-EXPRESSIONISM
(The backdrop represents a foggy forest. The stage has a dark green pallor due to lighting. Scattered across the stage are small, makeshift tombstones, towering above them is a large cross made of railroad ties. Up-stage left is an abandoned train car, rusted brown and with several faded graffiti tags. In front of it is a metal trash can with a fire burning inside it. Sitting on top of it is an old man, STEAM TRAIN MAURY, swinging his legs, one is in a cast. Enter BRIAN, holding melons and bread.)
MAURY
Ute legend says that Pokoh, the Old Man, created the world. He created every tribe out of the soil where they used to live. It is natural to live and die in your native place, because we were made from that soil. Pokoh did not wish men to wander and travel, but to remain in their birthplace. What you wish to do, to travel, is unnatural.
BRIAN
Show me the way, Old Man, please.
MAURY
Do you wish to learn our ways? Our language and secrets?
BRIAN
Yes, Old Man, please.
MAURY
In order to enter this carriage you must first shed your former self. Who you are must die, so that a new, rootless, man can be born.
BRIAN
Show me, Old Man, please.
MAURY
We will need Coyote, the guide of travelers and boundary crossing.
(MAURY whistles. Enter COYOTE, carrying a walking stick. MAURY climbs down the side of the train car, carrying a walking stick.)
COYOTE
First we must burn the land of your birth. Do you have it?
BRIAN
Yes.
(BRIAN sets down the food and pulls a bag with a handful of dirt out of his pocket.)
COYOTE
Burn it and repeat after me.
(BRIAN tips the bag over the fire)
I dreamed I was on the edge of the hobo jungle and the train was coming around the bend.
BRIAN
I dreamed I was on the edge of the hobo jungle and the train was coming around the bend.
COYOTE
I could see the headlight in the mist and dark. I could hear the engine approaching.
BRIAN
I could see the headlight in the mist and dark. I could hear the engine approaching.
COYOTE
I could smell the sulfur in the air. I’m ready. I relinquish the land of my birth, the earth of my bones is gone and I now board the boxcar eastbound.
BRIAN
I could smell the sulfur in the air. I’m ready. I relinquish the land of my birth, the earth of my bones is gone and I now board the boxcar eastbound.
MAURY
Lie beneath the cross.
(BRIAN lies on the floor in front of the large cross made of railroad ties.)
COYOTE
Oh, Great Spirit, whose voice I hear in the winds, and whose breath gives life to all the world, hear me.
(COYOTE and MAURY circle around BRIAN, their walking sticks held high.)
The east that gives peace and light, we thank you.
(COYOTE and MAURY salute the east.)
The south that gives us warmth, we thank you.
(COYOTE and MAURY salute the south.)
The west that gives us rain, we thank you.
(COYOTE and MAURY salute the west.)
And the north, with its cold and mighty wind that gives us strength and endurance. We thank you.
(COYOTE and MAURY salute the north.)
The wind is the world’s greatest force, and we move with it.
(COYOTE and MAURY stop moving in circles, COYOTE helps BRIAN up from the floor. MAURY takes a tin from behind a tombstone and opens it.)
MAURY
(to BRIAN)
At a ritual or gathering we spread the ashes of previous fires into the flames of a new fire, to keep it going full-circle.
(MAURY spreads the ashes from the tin over the trash-can fire. Exit COYOTE. MAURY puts down the tin and opens the door of the abandoned boxcar.)
You are ready now, come.
(MAURY beckons BRIAN and they both climb into the boxcar.)
CURTAIN
SCENE THREE-EPIC THEATRE
A rectangular blanket is spread on the stage. Two trees, made of cardboard, are propped up on either sides of the stage. STEAM TRAIN MAURY sits at the head of the blanket, one leg in a cast, facing the audience. He is writing on a large, silver spray-painted makeshift top hat.
MAURY
(excited)
Huzzah!
(MAURY finishes writing on the hat, lifts it to inspect, and then places it behind his back. Enter BRIAN.)
BRIAN
I’m back, I’ve got bread from the Walmart dumpster down the road. It’s a little flattened, but edible. I also grabbed some over-ripe melons.
(BRIAN puts the food in the middle of the blanket.)
MAURY
Good, good. Ah, here’s Sissy.
Enter SISSY HANKSHAW
SISSY
I’m not late? Good. Rubber tires were moving a bit slow of late, so I thought I wouldn’t make it. I only managed to get jerky.
(SISSY puts a bag of beef jerky in the middle of the blanket.)
MAURY
Every little bit helps. Sit.
(MAURY points to blanket on his left hand side, SISSY sits there.)
Brian, sit.
(MAURY points to the far-right of the blanket, close to the audience, BRIAN sits there. Enter JACK LONDON.)
JACK
Maury, Brian, Sissy. I come bearing gifts. Apples and peaches from a nearby farm that needed some hands for harvest.
(JACK puts a bag filled with fruit in the middle of the blanket.)
MAURY
Thank you kindly. We’ll have a regular feast. Now we’re just waiting on Judy, but I think we can start without her. Sit Jack.
(MAURY points to the blanket on his right-hand side, JACK sits there. Enter JUDY.)
JUDY
I’ve got it, took me a week savin’ my beggin’s, and I mighta had to borrow some, but I got us some whiskey.
(JUDY holds the whiskey up high, then sits, holding it, next to SISSY.)
MAURY
Good work Judy. Now, we all know that ‘cause of my busted leg I couldn’t hop to Britt for the convention. And I want to thank JACK and SISSY for coming to keep me company. I now hereby begin the Southwestern Division of the National Convention of Hobos.
(MAURY takes the hat from behind his back and crowns himself. The hat reads: Hobo King. The hobo, tramp, bum, and freegan applaud.)
JACK
Maury, I have to ask. Why did you want us to sit in these places?
MAURY
Simple, you worked for your food, you’re proud, you’re a man. But you’ve also got the wanderlust in you, like a good hobo should. So I put you as my right hand man. Sissy here, she don’t work like we work. She sticks out that beaut of a thumb and lets the road take her. She’s a tramp. The boy, Brian, well he says he’s political, but he doesn’t travel, and he doesn’t work. He feeds off others, just like Judy. They’re bums.
(SISSY sees the whiskey bottle in JUDY’s hands, and with her enormous thumb she hitchhikes it, JUDY passes it unthinkingly to SISSY. SISSY takes a long pull from the bottle.)
MAURY
Damn, you see this woman! Sissy, trade places with Jack.
(SISSY passes the bottle to MAURY. SISSY and JACK trade places.)
BRIAN
So is this based on our value as workers or as travelers?
MAURY
Both. You’re a Road kid right now, a Angellina, a prushin. You can’t expect to sit next to the king. ‘Sides, you barely been on the streets six months. What do you know of hoboin’? I never knew what it was to live till I hit hoboin’, and you don’t know what it is to live.
(MAURY takes a drink.)
SISSY
All I know is that if rubber tires were meant to roll and seats to carry passengers, then far be it me to change the noble way of things.
(JUDY tries to hitchhike the bottle and fails. SISSY’s thumb signal for it and MAURY passes it to her. SISSY drinks.)
BRIAN
But you all just want to escape, not change anything. I took bread that was going to be wasted, I subverted the Man. I voted with my dollars. What did you do?
JACK
I worked for that food. Sweat and blood. You just climbed into a dumpster, you’re just a bottom feeder living off of other’s trash. I may live this life to escape something, but it’s the crushing of a man’s spirit from what they call “work.” I’m not a machine.
(JACK signals for the bottle, SISSY passes it, JACK drinks. JUDY signals for the bottle, no one notices.)
BRIAN
But what’s in that fruit, what did your blood and sweat help perpetuate? Aren’t you still taking orders? You’re just the dregs of the working class, cast offs so abused and twisted that you’re no longer fit to work. You think you’re free, that you rejected that work, but it rejected you.
MAURY
Son, we are the last free men. We travel to see, to explore, to observe. We’re men o’ the world, see. And then we share it with others. We are America’s seers and story tellers.
Sara Figgins
(MAURY puts an arm around JACK, with the other he takes the bottle and drinks.)
SISSY
Kid, this life isn’t a sport, or an art. It certainly isn’t work, you don’t need any “special” abilities, just thumbs.
(SISSY wags her large thumb and her normal thumb, the bottle is passed to her automatically. SISSY drinks.)
And you don’t produce anything valuable. It’s an adventure…no more than a reckless panhandling as far as I can see.
BRIAN
But where’s the community? This? You move from town to town and only know others like yourselves. You’re not helping anyone, only yourself. I’m leaving. Judy, I’ll see you later.
(JUDY signals for the bottle. BRIAN stands, takes the bottle from SISSY, he takes a drink and gives it to JUDY. Exit BRIAN)
MAURY
Little punk.
JACK
Self-hating middle classer.
(JUDY tries to take a drink, but the bottle is empty)
JUDY
Balls.
CURTAIN
SCENE FOUR-THEATRE OF CRUELTY
(The stage is set as a forest clearing, near a railroad. Potted bushes and trees are scattered around the stage, a few lines of grass have been haphazardly rolled out on the stage. A train can be heard in the distance. The needle of a phonograph can be heard distinctly, then a twisted, warped vinyl record playing of Hank Williams’ “Ramblin Man” plays. The record skips with scratches, sometimes repeats, and at times is completely distorted by melted spots on the record. The stage and audience lights are on. MAURY is passed out against a tree on stage in a rumbled old suit; his hat sits lopsided on his head. JUDY, BRIAN, and MILLIE are among the audience. JUDY is dressed in many layers of overlarge, baggy and ripped clothing. MILLIE is wearing a miniskirt, tall boots, a tube top, and a grotesque amount of makeup. BRIAN is in flannel and jeans.)
JUDY
(to a female audience member)
‘Cuse me miss, but, it being a cold night, and you all dressed in furs.
Might I have that fox wrapped around your neck?
(JUDY takes it before an answer is given. MAURY wakes up on stage and watches the audience, MILLIE, JUDY, and BRIAN.)
MILLIE
(to a male audience member)
Excuse me sir, but could you spare some change? Or that scarf?
(MILLIE sits on the male audience member’s lap)
Or would you be interested in some other arrangement?
(MAURY exits the stage, hobbling with one foot in a cast.)
BRIAN
(to an audience member)
Excuse me, but, you wouldn’t happen to have any deodorant?
It’s just that it’s hard to come by, and I’ve just been washing in the river.
No. Oh, ok.
JUDY
Please miss, may I see that hat?
Just to borrow, it’s just awful difficult to look nice on the streets,
living hand to mouth and all.
(JUDY takes the woman hat, then snatches her bag and rummages through it. Finding lipstick she drops the bag and retreats. Enter MAURY dragging two big trash bags.)
MAURY
Eat up.
(MAURY takes out his pipe and packs and lights it. JUDY, MILLIE, and BRIAN walk onto the stage, each dragging an audience member.)
Let’s get a few piles this time.
One for bread, one for damaged cans, and one for fruits and veggies.
You know what to do with the rest.
(JUDY, MILLIE, BRIAN, and selected audience members tear open the bags and start sorting. What doesn’t fit in the piles, or what is irretrievably inedible, is thrown at the rest of the audience. MAURY sits, watching, and smokes his pipe.
JUDY, MILLIE, BRIAN
(as they sort through the trash, singing)
Some folks might sa-ay that I’m no good
That I wouldn’t settle down if I could
But when that open ro-oad starts to callin’ me
There’s somethin’ o’er the hill that I gotta see
Sometimes it’s har-rd but you gotta understand
When the Lord made me, He made a Ra-amblin’ Man.
BRIAN
(while throwing food at the audience)
We’re not here to you. We’re eye-sores on your landscape.
We’re rotting food swept into the corners.
Flushed down the toilet, tossed in the dumpster, you think it disappears,
you think we disappear.
JUDY
(while throwing food at the audience)
We’re failures. It’s our fault, not yours.
We die on the train tracks, cut to little pieces.
We freeze in your alleyways; you call others to cart away our husks.
We die in the shelters, veins stuck with junk, arteries clogged, spewing shit and fluids from every hole.
We live, nameless. We die John Doe.
(MAURY empties his smoking pipe into a potted bush, which catches fire and spreads across the stage)
MILLIE
(while throwing food at the audience)
We’re flesh for your consumption. We’re food for your disposal.
Your unholy undoing, your physical salvation.
(MILLIE points to a woman in the audience)
She can be your daughter, sister, soul mate, or mother.
(MILLIE grabs MAURIE and BRIAN’s shoulders)
Only we can be your ashtray.
But we’re failures, lazy complainers.
Blame the dead for their murder. Blame the woman for her rape.
(MAURY grabs BRIAN and MILLIE’s ass)
MAURY
Give us the chance. We can be just like you. Give us a chance, we’ll use you too.
(MAURY leads BRIAN and MILLIE backstage. JUDY stops throwing food at the audience and watches them leave. They Exit. JUDY sees the fire, she tries to put it out with her rags, but they catch fire. She puts out her sleeves)
JUDY
(to the audience)
Throw the food! The food will put the fire out!
(JUDY throws the remaining on-stage food onto the fire, trying the put it out. The audience joins in. House sprinklers come on and douse the fire.)
CURTAIN
SCENE FIVE-ABSURDISM
(The stage is bare except for one potted and blackened, and still slightly smoking, tree. JUDY is sitting next to it, playing patty-cake with the air in front of her. Enter BRIAN and STEAM TRAIN MAURY.)
BRIAN
(to MAURY)
Where are we going again?
MAURY
The Big Rock Candy Mountains.
BRIAN
Are we almost there? How long have we been walking?
MAURY
What day is it?
BRIAN
(pauses, thinking)
I forgot the question.
MAURY
(to JUDY)
‘Cuse me, sorry to bother you, but my friend and I have been tramping for awhile, and well, it seems we’ve lost track of time. Do you know what day it is?
JUDY
It’s today.
(JUDY stops playing patty-cake with herself)
MAURY
What day is today?
JUDY
Do you have a calendar?
MAURY
No.
JUDY
Oh good. Because I still wouldn’t know if you did have one.
BRIAN
Can you at least tell us what time it is?
JUDY
Well, I think you came from the south, so if the suns over there then its morning. If it’s over there is afternoon.
BRIAN
So where’s the sun now?
(JUDY looks up, BRIAN and MAURY follow suit)
JUDY
Dunno, can’t see anything with these clouds.
BRIAN
Lot of help you’ve been.
(to MAURY)
Are we even going in the right direction anymore?
MAURY
I knew we should have stuck to the rails.
BRIAN
But I thought you said the rails don’t go to the Big Rock Candy Mountains.
JUDY
What’s the Big Rock Candy Mountain?
MAURY
(emphasizing the s)
Mountains. Where the cops all have wooden legs.
BRIAN
Where the boxcars all are empty and the sun shines every day.
MAURY
And the jailhouses are made of tin.
BRIAN
And there are lakes of stew and whiskey too.
JUDY
Who are you?
BRIAN
I’m Brian and this is Steam Train Maury.
(BRIAN points at MAURY. MAURY shakes his head)
No, I’m Steam Train Maury. This is Brian.
(BRIAN points at MAURY)
What were you playing before?
JUDY
Before what?
MAURY
Before you stopped.
JUDY
What did I stop? I forgot the question. Who are you?
MAURY
I’m Brian. This is Steam Train Maury.
(MAURY points at BRIAN. BRIAN shakes his head.)
No, I’m Steam Train Maury, this is Brain.
(MAURY points at BRIAN)
We’ve known each other for…how long?
BRIAN
I don’t know. What’s today?
MAURY
Do you have a calendar miss?
(JUDY points at the tree)
JUDY
No. But this tree is bare. Maybe its winter?
BRIAN
Are trees black and smoking in winter generally?
JUDY
Well that one is. Why are you here?
MAURY
We’re waiting for someone.
BRIAN
No I don’t think that’s it.
MAURY
Right. We’re going somewhere.
BRIAN
Where it never rains or snows.
MAURY
And there are cigarette trees.
JUDY
What’s a cigarette tree?
MAURY
A tree with cigarettes on it. Like a money tree.
JUDY
Are you sure? Sounds more like a tree that smokes, like that one. Are you sure this isn’t the place you’ve been looking for?
(JUDY points at the tree. BRAIN and MAURY turn and look, they then look around the stage, then out at the audience.)
BRIAN
It’s a bit more crowded than I thought it would be.
MAURY
No, no, no. That looks more like a smoking tree than a cigarette tree. A cigarette tree would bear cigarettes instead of fruit. A hobo’s paradise.
(MAURY addresses the audience)
I hate to break it to y’all, but I think you’ve got the wrong place.
BRIAN
Come on, Brian, this isn’t the Big Rock Candy Mountains.
MAURY
(to the audience)
See you in paradise, suckers.
(to JUDY)
Good bye, miss.
JUDY
Good bye.
BRIAN
Good bye.
JUDY
Good bye.
Exit BRIAN and MAURY
JUDY
Well, that passed the time.
(JUDY starts playing patty-cake with herself again.)
CURTAIN
